Saturday, July 24, 2010

exercise, et cetera

3500yds this week at the pool. I broke down today and got myself some swim goggles, I think I will really enjoy them. I'm tired of the chlorine hurting my eyes. All the other serious lap swimmers have them. I feel a little, I dunno, silly sometimes. I'm slow, and fat, and I wear an old lady swim suit (yes, with floral print AND a skirt). But I keep telling myself that's not what matters. Being there, and doing the exercise that makes me feel best and is good for my body is what matters.

I've felt very tired and irritable and sort of defeated this week. Burnt out. In need of a break. its been one of those weeks when I really question whether or not I could really handle having another child. R's nearly two, and still not sleeping well at night. I get up in the morning already all grouched out and exhausted from him being up and down and nursing on me all night. It makes me short tempered and impatient, which I then feel guilty about. He gets up with so much energy, and is immediately into everything, while I'm struggling to be awake. I haven't even had much interest in knitting, although I think that is because I'm not loving the project I am currently working on. I need to just get it finished and over with so I can make something else that I like. I wish we could get out of the house, and out of town for a few days, but J. can't get time off right now, and doesn't want to go just for the weekend. But I really need to get out of this house and out of our routine for a while. I feel like I'm losing my mind some days. I feel so inadequate as a parent, and overwhelmed by R. even though he's a really good kid. I haven't been away from the house overnight since March. R. and I took those two short day trips to the beach while J. was gone, and that's been it.

J's really dissatisfied with work, scheming about the future. and it's so hard for me to discuss what-if's with him. It seems so pointless. We don't know where his next assignment is going to be, and even if he turns it down, we'll be here another 13 months. If he doesn't turn it down, he'll have to reenlist and we'll move in 10-11 months. He's constantly wavering and waffling about what he wants to do, and it's almost more than I can take, it's so stressful for me. The not knowing. Trying to discuss things what we can't really plan for. He just makes the proclamations, like 'we'll have to go live with my mom because we're going to be so poor.' I don't even know how to respond to that. It makes me sick. I'll take R. and move back to TN alone before I live with his mom. And um, don't you plan on working once you're done with the USAF? Then sometimes he wants to talk about going out and living on a boat. *lalalalala, I'm not hearing this*

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